![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
FM prompt January: Ten Things
Jan. 28th, 2008 03:34 pmWhat are ten things that no one knows about you, and that you will not willingly tell anyone about?
*meta, since he wouldn't even write most of them down in a locked entry*
1) Laura/Irina was not the only time Arvin cheated on Emily. It was, however, the only affair he had, and so the only sexual relationship he thinks of as a betrayal; the other occasions either happened during his time as a field agent where he couldn't have avoided them without breaking cover, or were one night stands that happened several years apart and which he successfully told himself did not matter because he never saw the people in question again.
2) He liked to believe that if Emily had lived, he would have been able to keep his promise to her and would have abandoned Rambaldi for good. Sydney once told him, and not even in anger, that she doesn't think he could have. A year, perhaps, maybe two, but not longer. In his heart of hearts, he knew she was right.
3) Not telling Emily about SD-6 and the Alliance wasn't really about keeping her safe and keeping the Alliance rules. He knew Emily; she would have never have betrayed her knowledge had he entrusted her with it. But she would not have been able to live with him in the full knowledge of what he was, and what he did, not unless he would have stopped immediately. He prefered lying to her to losing her, pure and simple.
4) He had some same-sex experiences in high school and in college. Considering he was going for a career in a highly conservative institution like the C.I.A. and considering the blackmail potential, that was where it ended, and he never mentioned said experiences to anyone. By the time he left the CIA, it had become irrelevant anyway; he was happily married, and the only man he still had less than platonic feelings for was unavailable and always would be.
5) He loved Nadia, and if he could gone back in time and changed one thing, it would have been her life; not just her survival in general, he'd change circumstances so that Elena Derevko dies an early death, Nadia gets adopted by a nice Argentinian couple and never finds out about either of her parents, living her life untouched by Rambaldi. On the other hand, much as he regretted individual actions that brought grief to Sydney - Danny comes to mind - he would not have taken himself out of Sydney's life, or her out of his. He never cared to examine whether this means he loved Nadia more or less than Sydney.
6) He thought of Sydney as a daughter until the day she stormed in his office, furious, and threw him against his desk. Which was when the whole murky business of not paternal feelings for Sydney started, though he succesfully managed to repress awareness of those until he found out Sydney was a double agent. Now if it simply had been a complete transition of feeling paternal to feeling attracted, it would have still been something not to talk about but at least admittable to himself. But he never entirely stopped seeing her as a daughter, and that was what made his feelings for Sydney something firmly labelled under "not to be thought about" in his subconscious.
7) On the other hand, he had no problem admitting to himself he felt the entire spectrum between fierce rivaly and possessive love for Jack. Thankfully, Jack could be relied upon on never figuring this out.
8) Arvin liked Andrew Llyod Webber. Genuinely loved his musicals, especially Phantom of the Opera and Evita. This isn't something no one knows, strictly speaking, but the three people who did are dead. Or at least supposed to be dead. Or vanished from his life. And he had no intention of telling anyone else.
9) If he ever figured out Rambaldi completely, every last mystery, his faith would not have survived. It depended on there being something eternally out of reach.
10) If what he was trying to do with Omnifam had succeeded - a genetically modified peaceful world, and he did think, for a while, that this was to be the grand justification for everything and Rambaldi's heritage - it would not have been a world where he himself fitted in. More to the point, it would not have been a world where anyone named Bristow or Derevko fitted in, or that still could produce such people. Which was the reason why he never really pressed the monks to reveal the last ingredient the way the Elena-engineered Arvin Clone did. A part of him did not want such a world to exist.
*meta, since he wouldn't even write most of them down in a locked entry*
1) Laura/Irina was not the only time Arvin cheated on Emily. It was, however, the only affair he had, and so the only sexual relationship he thinks of as a betrayal; the other occasions either happened during his time as a field agent where he couldn't have avoided them without breaking cover, or were one night stands that happened several years apart and which he successfully told himself did not matter because he never saw the people in question again.
2) He liked to believe that if Emily had lived, he would have been able to keep his promise to her and would have abandoned Rambaldi for good. Sydney once told him, and not even in anger, that she doesn't think he could have. A year, perhaps, maybe two, but not longer. In his heart of hearts, he knew she was right.
3) Not telling Emily about SD-6 and the Alliance wasn't really about keeping her safe and keeping the Alliance rules. He knew Emily; she would have never have betrayed her knowledge had he entrusted her with it. But she would not have been able to live with him in the full knowledge of what he was, and what he did, not unless he would have stopped immediately. He prefered lying to her to losing her, pure and simple.
4) He had some same-sex experiences in high school and in college. Considering he was going for a career in a highly conservative institution like the C.I.A. and considering the blackmail potential, that was where it ended, and he never mentioned said experiences to anyone. By the time he left the CIA, it had become irrelevant anyway; he was happily married, and the only man he still had less than platonic feelings for was unavailable and always would be.
5) He loved Nadia, and if he could gone back in time and changed one thing, it would have been her life; not just her survival in general, he'd change circumstances so that Elena Derevko dies an early death, Nadia gets adopted by a nice Argentinian couple and never finds out about either of her parents, living her life untouched by Rambaldi. On the other hand, much as he regretted individual actions that brought grief to Sydney - Danny comes to mind - he would not have taken himself out of Sydney's life, or her out of his. He never cared to examine whether this means he loved Nadia more or less than Sydney.
6) He thought of Sydney as a daughter until the day she stormed in his office, furious, and threw him against his desk. Which was when the whole murky business of not paternal feelings for Sydney started, though he succesfully managed to repress awareness of those until he found out Sydney was a double agent. Now if it simply had been a complete transition of feeling paternal to feeling attracted, it would have still been something not to talk about but at least admittable to himself. But he never entirely stopped seeing her as a daughter, and that was what made his feelings for Sydney something firmly labelled under "not to be thought about" in his subconscious.
7) On the other hand, he had no problem admitting to himself he felt the entire spectrum between fierce rivaly and possessive love for Jack. Thankfully, Jack could be relied upon on never figuring this out.
8) Arvin liked Andrew Llyod Webber. Genuinely loved his musicals, especially Phantom of the Opera and Evita. This isn't something no one knows, strictly speaking, but the three people who did are dead. Or at least supposed to be dead. Or vanished from his life. And he had no intention of telling anyone else.
9) If he ever figured out Rambaldi completely, every last mystery, his faith would not have survived. It depended on there being something eternally out of reach.
10) If what he was trying to do with Omnifam had succeeded - a genetically modified peaceful world, and he did think, for a while, that this was to be the grand justification for everything and Rambaldi's heritage - it would not have been a world where he himself fitted in. More to the point, it would not have been a world where anyone named Bristow or Derevko fitted in, or that still could produce such people. Which was the reason why he never really pressed the monks to reveal the last ingredient the way the Elena-engineered Arvin Clone did. A part of him did not want such a world to exist.
